Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Sigh...

Here I am again in Netopia, not doing anything....History as a class struggle in the Philippines? Would you believe aside from being insulted by the Spaniards, the Americans insulted us too? Well, who could blame them? Isn't it also frustrating when your friends take out their frustrations and bad mood on you all the time? You try talking to them and all they do is sulk and sulk making you want to hit them...hehehe! Oh well, life's turning around for me now...I gather strength from people around me...Gunbound time :) addict eh!

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

If I Am (Nine Days)

So you're standing on a ledge It looks like you might fall So far down Or maybe you were thinking about jumping Now you could have it all If you learned a little patience For though I cannot fly I'm not content to crawl So give me a little credit Have in me a little faith I want to be with you forever If tomorrow's not too late But it's always too late when you've got nothing So you say But you should never let the sunset on tomorrow Before the sun rises today
If I am Another waste of everything you dreamed of I will let you down
If I am Only here to watch you as you sufferI will let you downS o you're walking on the edge And you wait your turn to fall But you're so far gone That you don't see The hands upheld to catch you And you could find the fault In the heart that you've been handed For though you cannot fly You're not content to crawl And it's always too late when you've got nothing So you say But you should never let the sunset on tomorrow Before the sun rises today
If I am Another waste of everything you hope for I will let you down If I am Only here to watch you as you suffer I will let you down
So you're standing on a ledge It looks like you might fall
If I am Another waste of everything you dreamed of I will let you down If I am Only here to watch you as you sufferI will let you down The answers we find Are never what we had in mind So we make it up as we go along You don't talk of dreams I won't mention tomorrow We won't make those promises That we can't keep I will never leave you I will not let you down I will never leave you I will not let you down

Schadenfreude

I didn’t need anyone before and I won’t need anyone for me right now. This is me. J

Schadenfreude – happiness at the misfortune of others. Coolness!

Drinking again

Hmmm….seems like I’m too serious here. I went to absinth again in greenbelt with kai, jay and Richard last Friday. I cannot believe Jay went down already with just red horse and mixed drinks of gin and sprite. I was still up and about, drinking and smoking…I think we finished three or four packs, which was a first again for me. The funny thing was, kai, who was lesbian, attracted a guy who kept bugging her. Not a sight you see everyday, poor fool. I don’t think he saw who she really was. He even bought drinks for her and me. We were with his friends. It also reminds me, I’m going out with one of his friends tomorrow. Hehehe! I’m off to drink on Saturday again. Yeah!!!

Friends

I also did get into a fight with my friends, kakai and jay. First off, there was kakai. I guess it did frustrate her when her closest friend, me, doubted her sexuality and kept asking her if she really were lesbian but one thing I do not like is being shouted at and letting them get away. One more thing, I do not like people who consent to other people’s selfish reasons and she was that way with jay. Second, there was jay. He’s a great guy but can be too selfish and self-centered, wrapping everyone in his little finger regardless of what they feel or think, it has to stop. Two of his guys already called me as a person who’d betray them and that was the end of it, I could not tolerate that much longer. I told them off and it was good to see that kai and I became closer than ever and that jay swore he’d change. I know it doesn’t happen overnight but we’ll see. The world is not a playground, people’s feelings are not toys, it is not a game and I stand firm with that.

Waste of Time

“I don’t have the time to waste on you anymore, I don’t think you even know what you’re looking for. For my own sanity, I got to close the door and walk away. There’s a fine, fine line between together and not and there’s a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.”

Me again

It’s been so long since the last time I posted things here…right now, I’m going through hard times and it’s only now that I’m seeing things clearer and better than I’ve ever seen them, I have to get rid of the things making me unhappy. I have to see the rest of the world and see what it can offer me. I guess I was too eager to be with someone, I was too eager to forget my past by living it again that I forgot to live for today . For now, I still have me, I have my friends. Let’s count off, one there’s Aris. Maybe I was attracted to him because he was different and I could talk to him but he and I are so different, different ideals that I don’t think he and I can be together. He did come at the wrong time in my life, he came when I was rediscovering myself. I don’t want to be with a guy who can’t understand why I cry once in a while by myself, it feels good. I did understand though by what he meant with me, before when he told me things, I’d understand and add on to it but just recently, when I was “with” him, I would ask him the meaning, what was behind all the things he was telling me. I guess I tried too hard to see things I cannot, still that can’t hurt right? He told me the perfect song for us right now describing what he and I are going through right now is “somewhere down the road” by barry manilow, it was about finding the right love at the wrong time, that he and I will cross paths again and see that we belong together, here’s what I thought :”Not!”. That song was about a girl leaving the guy and the guy saying someday the girl will realize she belonged to him, totally not applicable for us. I did find the perfect song for what he and I did go through, it was “If I am” by nine days. It’s a simple song about being in a relationship where one tried so hard and the other didn’t but they both needed patience and faith to make it work out, to make ends meet, it’s simple but it isn’t…I believed that but for me, with aris, there is fine line between love and a waste of time and my choice was a waste of time. As much as I did learn from him, I also learned that he was my biggest problem and that he made me unhappy the most by making me just think too much and lessen on the feelings. He’s a guy who believes he learned so much from what life has offered to him while I just want to live my life, trying to see my purpose, it might be a lost cause but at least I know why I live my life. I live for the moment, I live for today. Bye Aris. This is me, finding myself again and knowing what I want. You wanted someone you can talk to and that side of me is here again but this side found it stupid to stay with you. We were really better off as friends and yeah, I hope we stay that way.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Great...

Great...what da hell?!?!? I can't sleep!!! this is thanks to some people....damnit...i'm actually wishing that school starts....well yeah at least my brain will start working and i'll actually be busy with stuff....gotta adjust too....i flunked calculus two....shit...well, there's always a first time for everything....its a good thing i passed my major when i thought i wouldn't...at least i lessened my delay....i wanna drink na ulit!!!! just gotta save up for it though.... :) for whoever that guy was, i type whatever goes into my head and i let my fingers do the rest, however they wanna type it, whole ot text like kinda typing, it does not matter...and jeyps, i tried commenting on yours...but somehow i couldnt...mush is right :) i hope you took pictures and im so sure you had a fun time at the beach (wish i could have gone, i don't even remember the last time i went to a beach) and the party with gurls ;P

Friday, September 03, 2004

For Good

"For Good"
My life during this sembreak had been most uneventful and until now is still uneventfulr :) my sister introduced me to these broadways, avenue Q. and wicked. avenue Q. is downright hilarious but wicked was beautiful, and there wasthis one particular song that stuck in my mind and touched me....i think i'll post it here :) its a duet entitled "for good"....enjoy:


You’re the only friend I’ve ever had.


And I’ve had so many friends. But only one-- that mattered.


I’VE HEARD IT SAID
THAT PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIVES FOR A REASON
BRINGING SOMETHING WE MUST LEARN
AND WE ARE LED
TO THOSE WHO HELP US MOST TO GROW
IF WE LET THEM
AND WE HELP THEM IN RETURN
WELL, I DON’T KNOW IF I BELIEVE THAT’S TRUE
BUT I KNOW I’M WHO I AM TODAY
BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...

LIKE A COMET PULLED FROM ORBIT
AS IT PASSES A SUN

LIKE A STREAM THAT MEETS A BOULDER
HALFWAY THROUGH THE WOOD
WHO CAN SAY IF I’VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU
I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD …


IT WELL MAY BE
THAT WE WILL NEVER MEET AGAIN
IN THIS LIFETIME
SO LET ME SAY BEFORE WE PART
SO MUCH OF ME
IS MADE OF WHAT I LEARNED FROM YOU
YOU’LL BE WITH ME
LIKE A HANDPRINT ON MY HEART
AND NOW WHATEVER WAY OUR STORIES END
I KNOW YOU HAVE RE-WRITTEN MINE
BY BEING MY FRIEND...


LIKE A SHIP BLOWN FROM ITS MOORING
BY A WIND OFF THE SEA
LIKE A SEED DROPPED BY A SKYBIRD
IN A DISTANT WOOD
WHO CAN SAY IF I’VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...

BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...

BECAUSE I KNEW YOU
I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD...

AND JUST TO CLEAR THE AIR
I ASK FORGIVENESS
FOR THE THINGS I’VE DONE YOU BLAME ME FOR

BUT THEN, I GUESS WE KNOW
THERE’S BLAME TO SHARE


AND NONE OF IT SEEMS TO MATTER ANYMORE


LIKE A COMET PULLED FROM
ORBIT/AS IT PASSES A SUN/
LIKE A STREAM THAT MEETS A
BOULDER/ HALF-WAY
THROUGH THE WOOD


LIKE A SHIP BLOWN OFF ITS
MOORING/BY A WIND OFF THE
SEA/ LIKE A SEED DROPPED BY A
BIRD IN
THE WOOD

WHO CAN SAY IF I’VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
I DO BELIEVE I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER

AND BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...

BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...

BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...
I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Another Day

I made my sister buy me this book of crossword puzzles :) i am such a loser, hahaha!i plan to do puzzles on mi sembreak :) what was amazing today was that i went to my sister to where she works :) she teaches little kids art and stuff, and i was actually happy and dancing with the music they were playing for the kids and i was actually cutting up paper to make decorations :) being in that place made me happy...hahahaha!so innocent and just so happy...how is it that i miss someone i dont see or hear from all the time? aris...there are times when i ask myself if i rly have sumthing with him, if our relationship was worth continuing knowing he's too busy and too tired but i know the answer, i got myself into this and i will stay with it. :) i know aris is worth it, worth everything :) i wanted this from the start and i still want it til now, i want him...miss u aris...

Monday, August 30, 2004

Really....

really, i dont need you when i have me...I can be on my own.....Im not repeating the same mistakes all over again...I live, I get burned, I learn......Never again will I let that happen to me.....Yeba!!!this is me....keep it in mind anna....dont lose it again....just keep it cool....

Why?

Why do i still even bother going to the gym? it makes my muscles ache and is it even making a difference? :) bah!oh well, it feels good to sweat anyways :) now im hungry....i think its true...i think i maybe rushing things too fast, i need to back out and rethink everything...i have to recheck my feelings...i wanna be me again....the feeling i can stand on my own all over again...Its hard but i have to do it for my peace of mind and heart....control is what i need.....i have what it takes ryt here.i can do this :) i have to stop rushing, start thinking and just enjoy the ride with the rules...well, maybe bend the rules a little :) later!

Sunday, August 29, 2004

My Kuya

Did i mention that my kuya came home for da weekend? i missed tha guy...he calls me baby :) now he left for naga agen, and yeah, i just lost another part of me... :(

My Song with Aris

Aris sang this song to me one night ago, it was really sweet :) and he said when we're together, this is our song. I can finally say this is our song, my song with him. Thank you aris, you saved me. :) I hope you are my last, my only one. :)

Some day, when I’m awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.
Yes you’re lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.
With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.
Lovely ... never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won’t you please arrange it ?
’cause I love you ... just the way you look tonight.

Finally :)

Last Thursday, i went to absinth and ice, finished a whole pack of cigs (this is a new for me) and drank lyk crazy :) hahaha....i apparently texted sum ppl and i cannot remember what i said...august 28, 2004..its aris and me :) wat more can i say?wat more can i want? thanks to andrew who kept on bugging me and asking me kung kami na, aris finally told me to tell andrew na kami na :P then he texted me that i am his gf!yey!!hay naku...that reminds me i stl have to apologize to andrew for kinda dissing him, he just makes me feel uncomfy....did i just say that i was so happy singing for gayle and john in her wedding reception!! :P if i do say so myself, i think i did well, kapal ko noh? if aris does read dis, i just want him to know that yes, i am falling hard for him and yes i love him....for him, there's the ryt tym to say it...and now i believe is the tym :) i just hope it dsnt scare him :) oh well...i miss him :P